Disillusioned with Style

Lately I've been feeling rather disillusioned with style, or with my own style in particular. I feel like I just don't care that much about it these days. I can attribute this partially to the fact that half the time I leave the house I know I'm going to have to change for work - I'm waitressing at a Mexican restaurant (Diablo Royale Este) this summer and our uniform is the kind of torn up band shirt you probably thought was really cool and "punk" in middle school (or maybe that was just me?), black bottoms, and beat up converse -- my hand studded pair are serving me well here at least (remember when I really wanted black converse to put studs on? Well I finally did it and lived in them all semester in London).

I'll confess I am having a little fun with this uniform because in some ways it's like I'm putting on a costume - I get to be a slightly different person at work than I usually am. I mean, I would normally never wear anything like this out of the house (I generally wear something different and change when I get there, but I'm lazy with what I wear there because I do know I'm just going to change.) I suppose I could say it helps me get into "character." And I have a lot of fun chatting with people at tables in a way I don't think I could do in any other sort of situation.

Anyway, speaking of putting on a costume - I was also just in a show, yet another thing to have to change clothes for. It was a tiny, experimental project (the show was this past Thursday and one night only) but somehow we ended up in the New York Times! If you feel inspired to read about it, please be my guest.

That's me all nice and shiny in the back with the mask on.

So this stuff has kept me pretty busy which I suppose has contributed to a lot of quick throwing together of outfits as I run out the door in the morning (I spent a lot of last week out all day bouncing from rehearsal to work and having to carry multiple "costumes" with me at all times). I never would have thought that I, the girl who almost cried when she learned her job last summer required shorts (no skirts or dresses) and closed toed shoes, would this year self-impose a summer uniform of jean shorts and a tee, or maybe a flowy blouse when I'm feeling fancier. I mean, I sometimes dress like this even when going out, and in some ways it feels great, it's nice to not care so much, but at other times I'm just getting so bored with my wardrobe and my outfits.

I do finally have a great (and comfortable!!) pair of sandals though.

However, other than these, I've been doing very little shopping this summer - trying to save money and all that - which is, of course, contributing to my boredom. It has also been DISGUSTINGLY hot and humid the past few weeks -- though it's gotten much nicer over the past couple of days -- making comfort the top priority. I guess I'm just not sure what my style is anymore, and that's ok... but I do really want to get re-inspired. Maybe going back to school will help with that? There are only 3 weeks left of my long and somewhat lazy summer after all. I return to Ithaca for my final year (scary) on August 21st and I will confess I can't wait.

In other news, I thank those of you who expressed your concern and support after my last post. My aunt was in a terrible bike accident -- no one knows exactly what happened but she went over her handlebars going very quickly down a trail on a mountain or hill. She has been out of the critical stages for a little while now, and my mom who spent about two weeks at her side is now home, but she has aphasia and has a lot to re-learn - it will be a long road. However, wearing a helmet saved her life. So please, don't be too cool and fashionable to wear a helmet. I used to think I was and didn't wear one but never again. It's sad it took something like this for me to realize how silly my vanity was, but I just bought a pretty blue helmet from nutcasehelmets.com.

If you buy one today you can enter code "OPRAH" for 30% off! (haha, thanks Oprah!)

They also have some pretty adorable printed ones but they were out of my size in my favorites and I decided maybe I should get something that will still feel appropriate for me to wear in a couple of years? Though I may very well have ended up with one of these if they hadn't been sold out of the Small/Medium:

And I fully encourage purchase of a fun, colorful and silly helmet... as long as you wear one!

This girl also hand paints some really gorgeous head-protectors but they are a bit out of my current price range.

Anyway, I don't mean to preach, but long story short: do get a cool helmet, but don't be too cool for a helmet.

Maybe (probably) I'll do another bike related post at some point, but if you want some more bike candy for the time being, check out this shop.

So I suppose that's all for now on this odd two-topic post... I'm still here, floating about, and I suppose we'll see where the rest of the summer takes me fashion-wise. I do have a bit more free time now that my show is over, and I'm only working about 3-4 days a week. Perhaps I will allow myself to shop a little? We'll see.

Oh, also I got a hair-cut that I'm not thrilled with (it's about shoulder length now) ... yet another contribution to my current fashion blasé. But I know, I know, hair will grow.

Regards,
Freddie

The Nothing

It's about one moment
That moment you think you know where you stand
And in that one moment
The things that you're sure of slip from your hand
And you've got one second
To try to be clear, to try to stand tall
But nothing's the same
And the wind starts to blow
And oh you're suddenly a stranger
In some completely different land
And you thought you knew
But you didn't have a clue
That the surface sometimes cracks
To reveal the tracks
To a new world

-{Jason Robert Brown, Songs for A New World}

It takes one phone call, one facebook post, to break you. To rock you to the core. One minute you are smiling, annoyed because probably that's a telemarketer calling, the next your mom is on a plane to salt lake city.

You are upset. But you make a pizza you are proud of and drink some red wine even if maybe you got a little cork in the bottle and things are stable right now so it's all going to be ok.

Then the next morning, a note on facebook, and bam. Something completely different, and awful, all over again. Information is disseminated so quickly, and sometimes so impersonally these days. You can't control the way people learn things. Pages on the internet remain as shrines to the lost, immortalizing them after they are gone.

Did you ever watch The NeverEnding Story when you were little? It was one of my favorites. And I was always terrified of the Nothing.

But Bastian and Atreyu had wonderful and fuzzy friends.

And so do I.

And a brilliant new camera to capture them with. And some great not quite so fuzzy friends and family offering their support too.

And when the fear of The Nothing becomes paralyzingly close... like it is in danger of swallowing me up any second now, I try to remember what happeat the end of the story.

Bastian: Why is it so dark?
The Childlike Empress: In the beginning it is always dark.
Bastian: What is that?
The Childlike Empress: One grain of sand. It is all that remains of my vast empire.
Bastian: Fantasia has totally disappeared?
The Childlike Empress: Yes.
Bastian: Then everything has been in vain.
The Childlike Empress: No, it hasn't. Fantasia can arise in you. In your dreams and wishes Bastian.
Bastian: How?
The Childlike Empress: Open your hand. What will you wish for?
Bastian: I don't know.
The Childlike Empress: Then there will be no Fantasia anymore.
Bastian: How many wishes do I get?
The Childlike Empress: As many as you want. And the more wishes you make, the more magnificent Fantasia will become.
Bastian: Really?
The Childlike Empress: Try it.

-{The NeverEnding Story}

I try to remember that the Nothing doesn't have to mean the end. It can also mean the beginning.

Regards,
Freddie

{Pizza and Kitten picture taken by me on my new Digital SLR}

Oh hi.

Anyone remember me? No. That's ok. In fact, maybe that's good. It's been a while, but I keep writing blog posts in my head. Funny because they always come out really well when I'm walking down the street or on a bus or plane or train (which I seem to have been doing a lot of lately) but when I sit down to write they're pretty shit. But that's ok. I still want to write. I guess it has something to do with what a wise Brit told me not too long ago. In a BADA masterclass, Kelly (I'm too old to play Goneril but am still a bomb actress) Hunter said: you have to stay creative. This business [acting] can drain you and it's so important that you stay creative, no matter what you do: whether you write, or paint, or sew, stay creative for yourself. And that's what I want to do.

By the way I totally did not pick up all this Britishisms living overseas. I've just been watching too much Skins since I got home. Do you ever find that when you've been reading/watching or whatever something a lot you starting talking, writing and even thinking in their style. Like after reading Shakespeare I start to think in Shakespeare language. And sometimes even in verse after Moliere. Just me? Ok.

Anyway, I've been a lot of places these past few months:

London


Rome


Florence


Venice


Paris


Cambridge


Bruges


Brussels


Ghent


Amsterdam


Antwerp


New York City

Ithaca

Evanston

Chicago


(Eyjafjallajoekull caused an unfortunate bypass of Madrid, Barcelona, and Copenhagen)

And seen a shit-ton of theater (some amazing and some not so):
Twelfth Night
Nation
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (with James Earl Jones)
Licking Wounds
Every Good Boy Deserves Favor
The Misanthrope (with Keira Knightley)
The Caretaker
Waiting for Godot (with Sir Ian Mckellen)
Red
Greta Garbo Came to Donegal
The Habit of Art
Jerusalem (with Mark Rylance)
Dunsinane
A Midsummer Night's Dream (with Dame Judi Dench)
Money
King Lear (with Greg Hicks)
Taming of the Flu (at Second City)

{I could expound open these for ages but I kept a journal for that in London and it's late and the list is long. Therefore I will refrain}

But, anyway, I think I've spent a lot of my time, especially since term ended, running away. Yeah, I learned a lot over there, about acting and about myself, and I'm happy to say that I am more confidant and comfortable with who I am, or at least moving in that direction, and I don't know if that would have happened without going abroad, but, since April 15th, I've been facing something terrifying looming ahead of me: an empty summer. I have never in my life had an empty, unplanned summer. There was always summer camp, or internships, or at least a steady babysitting job and some classes all set up for me to do before school was even out. Sure, I would get a little vacation time, but there was always something waiting on the other side. Granted, unlike my many recently graduated friends, I do have school -- one final year -- waiting for me at the end of August, but I have four, now three, empty months of summer in between. Sure in some ways I used the last month productively, but it was always with a clause of going away for the weekend which somehow prevented me from planning anything permenant. I've been away 3 out of 4 weekends so far and am gone this next weekend too. Then I have jury duty... and then, what? I suppose in many ways my summer is filling up as it goes. I have thus far managed a few auditions (which nothing came of of course) and bartending school among plenty of fun times with friends. But to look at my calander and see it almost completely empty beginning in mid-June is frightening. Perhaps because it is giving me a glipse of what things may look like next summer, when it is all for real. Because, if I don't actually find a job or something useful to do with myself this summer, it's not such a big deal afterall. If I don't next summer... then what? I suppose it is good that I am having this realization now. Getting a practice run for the real world. But it still scares me.

Point being, or at least one of them, that one of the ways I want to fill this great void is with creativity. Because I have a need to make things. I have a need to make blank spaces full. On my calander, on a page or computer screen, whatever. Even if it's crap, it's crap that I made. I have these need to feel like when the day is done, I've left something behind. And the only way to do that is to create.

Aside, when you're busy being scared about voids and other things of that matter it sometimes helps to have two new kittens to curl up with and make you feel comfortable and unconditionally loved.

{Darwin and Orwell}

And that's a fact.

So here's to a summer of creativity, kittens, and maybe a few more episodes of Skins every now and then.

Cheers.
Freddie

Happy Blog Birthday to Me

So, it's my one year blog-a-versary... now, how on earth did that happen? Of course, I have no outfit pictures because I've been thoroughly lazy for a lot of this vacation so far and have been lounging in PJs, gym clothes and perhaps a pair of jeans or two. And days where I do really get dressed it's too cold or too dark for nice photo taking. Ah well.

This is also my 80th post. Not a terribly large or celebratory number, but still a nice round one and I figure that means I've averaged 6 2/3 posts a month, and considering I've often aspired to at least one post a week, I say - not bad!

Anyway, for lack of something else to post, how about a little outfit recap of the past year?


{December 2008, January 2009}


{February, March}


{April, May}


{June}


{July}


{August, September}


{October}


{November}

And December 2009... coming soon! ;)

Also... how about some of my favorite purchases from the past year?
(In no particular order)


{Hunter Boots, Steve Madden Flats, Floral Docs}


{Blue skirt, little grey bag, brown boots}


{trench coat, straw boater, feather headband, 50s dress, dooney & burke bag}


{floral romper, bandanna print dress}

And of course a bunch more. It was a big year of shopping for me but I've been on a break (well, to the best of my ability--I did a little shopping in October over fall break but not too much!) since August. I think I may spend some time clearing old stuff from my closet today... to make room for the purchases of the coming year ;) While I'm still trying to save money, the holidays have brought in a couple of cash-gifts and we all know I'm going to be doing some shopping in London, it simply cannot be avoided. haha.

Anyway, in closing- here's some of the delicious food my friends and I have made this year ;)


{chocolate covered strawberries (and cherries), southwestern turkey burgers and sweet potato fries}


{vanilla-strawberry-zucchini cake with vanilla pudding frosting, caramelized onion and artichoke heart pizza}


{4th of July brunch, acorn squash stuffed with quinoa with sautéed apples and almonds}


{slow cooked provençale chicken, snickerdoodles}

Here's to another fabulous year of fashion, food, theatre and travel!

Regards,
Freddie